Slightly Evil Self-Care Tips for Overachieving Teachers

It’s January, that sacred time when the world expects you to reinvent yourself while you’re still sweeping glitter off classroom floors and trying to remember where you hid the leftover gingerbread. The internet insists you need a new morning routine, a gratitude journal, and possibly a new personality. Meanwhile, you’re just trying to survive the first staff meeting of the year without crying into your coffee… or at least crying too openly.

Let’s be honest: we don’t start fresh in January. We resume. We return to chaos slightly more caffeinated, marginally less festive, and definitely more tired than non-teachers. So instead of chasing perfection, let’s aim for something more achievable: strategic survival.

This is your Slightly Evil Self-Care Guide: part joke, part manifesto, part reminder that you’re already doing more than enough. No toxic positivity. No productivity hacks. Just a few darkly humorous truths and some genuinely helpful ways to stay sane(-ish) in the new year.

The Myth of “Getting It Together”

The myth of “getting it together” is one of the most exhausting spells we cast on ourselves. It whispers that we could finally relax if we just worked a little harder, organised a little better, cared a little more. The problem is, we already care too much.

And let me hug you here, said one overachiever to another.

Real self-care for overachievers isn’t bubble baths and scented candles (though by all means, light them if you must). It’s distance: that tiny but powerful act of stepping back. It’s looking at your overflowing to-do list and saying, Not today. Self-compassion is the opposite of laziness, it’s discipline with kindness. Psychologist Kristin Neff calls it “treating yourself the way you’d treat a friend.” Imagine what you’d tell your colleague after a long day: You did what you could. That’s enough.

Now try saying that to yourself. Without flinching.

All in all, we need to realise that teaching is never done, and perfection is impossible to achieve. The only sustainable way to keep doing what you love is to stop pretending you can fix everything by Tuesday. One small act of grace toward yourself is worth ten checklists.

Slightly Evil Self-Care Tips

Now, let’s practice self-compassion as tiny, deliberate acts of rebellion against the cult of overachievement, which simply say, I am a competent professional, but I refuse to be consumed by my own lesson plans. Think of it as a teacher’s version of dark magic: low-energy spells for survival, small rituals that keep you functional, and a touch of sarcasm for flavour.

Here are fourteen of my favourite ways to stay casually imperfect and ever so slightly wicked (no guilt required):

1. Lower the Bar (Gracefully)
Believe in yourself. Your half-effort day is still more productive than most people’s victory lap. If you want to, tattoo this phrase on your wrist never to forget it.

2. Schedule Strategic Chaos
Leave an empty slot in your plan book titled Something Will Go Wrong. It may be the only guaranteed accurate forecast, so when the shit hits the fan you will be able to announce calmly Oh, I have already planned for that.

3. Hydrate
Water, tea, coffee, or the tears of students: just choose your poison. Believe me, I’m 40+ and during my tour de medicine, the first question I get is are you properly hydrated?, and yet nobody asks what are you actually hydrating with?.

4. Embrace the Five-Minute Rule
If it takes less than five minutes, do it now. If it takes more, put it on the list and ignore it until the next full moon. Preferably label these things as full moon work, and during the actual full moon burn them all.

5. Practice Strategic Apathy
Not every email deserves an immediate reply. Some deserve the silent dignity of never. Learn to ignore unnecessary burden. Not every hill is worth dying on.

6. Rebrand Procrastination as “Creative Incubation”
Ideas need time to marinate… perhaps while you scroll memes, take a shower or go hiking. Whatever you do, keep it up, and if anyone asks calmly say I’m in my creative phase, don’t disturb me, please. Take it from me and my local swimming pool.

7. Cultivate the Art of Saying “No, Thank You (But Also No)”
No explanation required. Boundaries are professional development. No. is a complete sentence. Remember, you are the only person who knows your limits. Don’t break them for some silly work-related nonsense.

8. Make Friends With Future-You
When you’re tempted to over-plan, ask: Will future me hate this? If yes, stop. You may also use it in after-work activities as Nah, I’m not having an extra drink tonight, I want my tomorrow-me to love me. Make sure to congratulate your yesterday-you the following day!

9. Use Fancy Stationery for Petty Notes
If you must write Do not touch my scissors, do it on embossed paper. Elevate your spite. Use perfume for extra message, and choose pink paper to give it more of Elle Woods vibe.

10. Treat Self-Compassion Like Lesson Planning
You’d never skip a warm-up for students; don’t skip kindness for yourself. Period.

11. Keep a Done List
Cross off victories, no matter how small: answered one email, didn’t cry in the staffroom. That’s progress you can be proud of. Sometimes I washed my hair is a real achievement.

12. Use Your Powers Selectively
Now, this is very, very important, so focus. Here we go:
You can’t save every lesson, fix every system, or rescue every child. Choose your missions wisely.

13. Remember: Evil Doesn’t Mean Cruel
It means clever, self-aware, and a little bit untamed. Take care of yourself the way villains care for their capes: meticulously, dramatically and unapologetically.

14. The Real Spell – Doing Your Best, One Step at a Time

Now that you’ve mastered the art of functional mischief, let’s talk about what real self-care looks like when the jokes wear off. Here’s the secret they don’t really tell you in professional development sessions: you don’t have to have it all figured out. Not this week, not this term, not even this career.

Doing your best isn’t a race with a finish line. Some days your best is an inspired, interactive masterpiece. Other days it’s remembering to take attendance and not bite anyone. Both count. Real self-care isn’t indulgence, is softening your stance toward yourself. It’s looking at the endless expectations, shrugging, and saying: I’ll do what I can, and that will be enough. It’s the quiet rebellion of refusing to measure your worth in checkmarks and completed tasks.

Take your time. One lesson, one breath, one cup of something vaguely caffeinated at a time. And if anyone tells you to get it together, smile politely and whisper your new mantra: I am together. I’m just arranged artistically in chaos.

Or just bite their heads off, whatever.

Embrace the Chaos (and Make It Work for You)

So here’s to the new year, same chaos, same you, just slightly wiser and marginally better hydrated. Remember, you don’t need to start over; you just need to keep going, preferably with snacks.

If this post made you laugh, nod, or reconsider grading after 10 p.m., you’ll love what’s brewing next: subscribe to the That Is Evil newsletter, for a monthly dose of dark humour, teaching sanity, and exclusive classroom resources. This month’s treat? A free EFL lesson plan titled “New Year Resolutions Anonymous”, a ready-to-use, laugh-out-loud activity for your post-holiday classes (because your students need self-reflection too).

Stay calm, stay chaotic, stay yourself.