The benefit of the doubt

Imagine your student approaches you and says I don’t have my homework, I’m sorry, but I forgot it at home – what do you do? Do you shake your head in disbelief? And what would happen if you gave your student the benefit of the doubt and simply chose to believe them?

In her book, Dare to lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole hearts, Brené Brown says that suspense of disbelief can actually change your mindset. She gives a brilliant example, so I will share it with you. Imagine the person that annoys you most, and imagine that this person truly likes you and only has your best interests at heart. How would you interpret that person’s annoying behavior now? See, it’s a simple exercise, and yet it can really make you reflect. It also makes you think better about this person, pay less attention to the annoying mannerisms, try to smile more, and to appreciate what they say.

I know it’s not easy! It was one of the hardest mental exercises I’ve tried, but it helped me realize two things.

I really need to work on giving people the benefit of a doubt.
My social interactions and my mental wellbeing are way better when I try to believe people are actually trying to be good

No, really, I realized that when I choose to interpret people’s behaviour do their advantage, I don’t waste energy on being irritated by some silly comments, malicious remarks, unprovoked attacks etc. It’s easier to think Oh, this person must have had a pretty bad day, she’s usually really focused on the project, and apparently something must have gotten on her nerves. She’ll probably wake up at 2:00 AM thinking why she had lost her cool. Yeah, I can almost see she’s already starting to regret what she said, I’ll just ignore it. I choose to ignore it, because I know I sometimes can behave like this, exactly because I’ve had a bad day, so I choose to give her the benefit of a doubt.

Truth be told, that makes me feel better, and I’m slowly learning to use it regularly – however it’s not an easy process, especially that I’m pretty short and that’s why I’ve got a really short fuse. And here is the thing I really need to work on, namely how to stop before I react, how to give myself some space and choose to give that person the benefit of the doubt. Because the benefit of the doubt works only if you choose it to work.

It may be silly, but it helps me to think of myself as a Pokémon trainer. I imagine myself stop and shout Benefit of a doubt, I choose you!, when I throw my imaginary pokéball at the unsuspecting person. I hope you can visualize this situation and it makes you smile. It certainly makes me smile, but hey, if something looks stupid but it works – it’s not stupid.

Also, the metaphor works on. Just like the Pokémon growing up and becoming stronger, so does the benefit of the doubt you give.

It’s quite easy to see that if you can work on your mindset when you deal with adult people, all you need is actually a little bit of patience to work with your students. It is fairly easy to believe them, as they don’t really want to lie to you, they are probably taught to. If you create the atmosphere of mutual understanding and trust, if you give the space for your students to admit that they forgot their homework, they didn’t feel like doing the homework, they were tired, they were busy, or simply felt under the weather… and if you believe them, if you believe they are actually doing their best, trying their hardest, trying to do everything you tell them to do but sometimes just being unsuccessful… That will make them feel respected, believed, understood and listened to.

On the other hand, once your students learn you believe them, they will stop telling lies, they will stop pretending they were busy, but they will rather tell you I got tired, but I’ll do the exercise next week. Having a teacher who believes you, who believes you are doing your best, who doesn’t ridicule you, but understands that sometimes trying one’s best does not mean the glamorous success – is something that will make the whole educational process simply better.

Also, lying is a complicated process and it’s a relief for us lazy people when we don’t have to do it and just speak plain truth instead.

I hope you like my vision of mutual understanding in the classroom. Maybe you’ve just smiled while reading about it, but I hope you’ll give it a go. Just give me the benefit of a doubt, try this attitude for a while and see if it works for you. I’ll keep my fingers crossed and hope it will work well for you.

I know you will do your best.

PS. And if you don’t believe me, take a look at this article by Elizabeth Hopper!